hello there,
Today I wrote my fifth and final exam of the semester. Looking
back on the last three and half months, if I were to summarize them I would do
so by saying, "I survived".
I. Survived.
This was, without a doubt, my most difficult,
exhausting, stressful, and demanding semester of my academic career to date.
But. I survived. Reflecting on this, one might assume I'm incredibly relieved
(which I am) however, it didn't leave me with much of a sense of
accomplishment. I should be proud of myself, after all I am like 75% percent sure I passed all my courses....
Yet I can't help but feel discouraged more than anything else over my current
situation. You see, I happen to believe that surviving and living are two very
different concepts. And I for one, while managing to survive the semester,
wasn't really living.
I began thinking about how easy it is to fall victim to the
mundane as we get swept away in the busyness and routine of our hectic and
stressful daily lives. We put so much pressure on ourselves to meet the requirements
and expectations set out for us by the institutions we frequent and the people
we want to appease (let it be said, those people, can also be ourselves). For me, personally, I choose to pick a heavy course load, but
it leaves me overworked, overstressed, and overtired. I push myself to graduate
because I want to be one step closer to doing what I want to do (whatever that
may be). But when I think about it, the average degree takes about 5 years to
attain. That’s 5 years of my life that I could spend just merely surviving. I
get so caught up in the papers I have to write and the exams I have to study
for, that it begins to consume me. So much so that I feel as though all I am
doing is writing and studying, driving to university, sitting in class, driving
home and once again writing and studying. Suddenly the pressures are so high
that the things I love, like riding my horse, spending time with my friends,
going to work, seem more like an inconvenience than a blessing. I feel guilty
for wanting to live when all I can really be doing is surviving. The demands of
this world force us to survive and they can deter us from living.
Survival of the fittest? No, I don't think so. It's living that takes strength. It's living that takes courage. It's living that means putting yourself out there and making yourself
vulnerable. It's living that
means making the right choices even when they're the hard choices. Living is
choosing to make the best out of a bad situation. Living is finding joy in the
small things and not dwelling on the mundane. Living is the sound of my nephew
squealing "Entie Murrins Hoome"
when I walk through the door. Living is the sting of the cold winter air
against my face when I gallop my horse up the mountain. Living is embracing a
friend I haven't seen in a while in a drawn out bear hug. Living is noticing
the brilliant way the sun bounces off the snowy mountaintops as I drive down
the highway.
Don't get me wrong though, I value my education and I am grateful
for the opportunity to be in university. I understand that I'm working towards
something important. But reflecting on the last 3 months it's not the hours of
studying I am going to remember or the grades I got on my exams. I'm going to
remember that time I dragged my friends out of their homes to chase down the
fog or the time I spent 8 hours driving to Whistler just because I wanted to
take photos. I'll remember "wrestling" with my nephew and riding my
horse through the river.
I think it's easy to say, "Once I graduate then I'll start living" or "once I save enough
money I'll really start doing the things I want to do". The excuses
can be endless. But the problem is, those excuses will always be there. Living
doesn't have to be wild adventures or elaborate stories. Living happens in the
simplest ways, we just have to remember to participate in them and not let the
distractions of life get in the way. Life doesn't start when school is over or
when you have money in the bank. Life is happening right now, and we are meant
to be living it.
"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"
-J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone)
So while you're out there, trying to survive in this crazy world,
don't forget to live as well.
-m.o
