When Not Good Enough is More Than Enough

"A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, you light will shine when all else fades"

hello there,

I have had the most discouraging of days, weeks, months, years. I'm being slightly melodramatic, yes, but the idea sticks. Most of my discouragement manifests itself around one particular aspect of my life. But when one thing brings you down, suddenly you find fault in all the other aspects of your life. And one weakness suddenly cripples your ability to believe you're good at anything. 

My university experience has been, to say the least, not entirely the most positive experience of my life. Now, it has not, in any way, shape or form, been negative, but positive is surely not a word I am going to use to describe my time at university. It has been four of the most overwhelmingly stressful years, plagued by insecurities, uncertainties, and a complete lack of direction. Not really the theme you want to inherit when attempting to find a course for the entire rest of your life. 

As the four years have drawn on, my discouragement has only increased, as I lost my will to put forth the energy, commitment, and attention into each and every reading, course,  and assignment, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't good enough to do any of the things I wanted to do. In the past few weeks, the most recent one in particular, I was crippled by the overwhelming anxiety that I was, most definitely not good enough. Not just in terms of my education, but as a friend, with my job, at pursuing my passions, basically every aspect of my life. 

And then it dawned on me. 

I really wasn't good enough. 

And in that I found solace and peace, and a firm understanding that I would never been good enough to aspire to the standards and expectations I had set out for myself. And better yet, I didn't have to be good enough, because God was. In fact, He's more than enough.

I criticize myself for not putting forth the appropriate effort in the eduction I know I am blessed to have. I look down upon myself for not having enough time for the people I care for.  Self hatred is the enemies poison to the soul. There is nothing more destructive to one's own soul than their very mind. I was astounded by the power of the devil and the ability he has to make me forget how much more powerful God is. But God is powerful. And God is good.

And in the most dire of moments, in the midst of a looming future more bleak than I had ever imagined, I, for one fleeting moment was softly reminded that although the future was so catastrophically out of my control, it wasn't out of His. I will forget that very promise for days at a time, and I will let despair wash over me like a tsunami wave as the weight of doubt crushes me. And while I flee from the promise of hope and redemption, still He remains, in the midst of my anguish, frustrations, uncertainties and fears His unfailing love perseveres. The devil had a foothold in the door to my doubt and like the thief he is he sought to kill and destroy any glimmer of possibility I felt towards my impending future

I could never peg what it was about university that bothered me so much. I love learning. I am fuelled my knowledge and the insight I gain from learning more about the world. I love writing. I get high off the ability of creating messages out of thoughts and understanding out of words. I love the conflict. I am captivated by differing opinions brought together for the sake of education and value the knowledge I gain from hearing what others think. University challenges me. It scares me. It makes me think about things in ways I never had. But for whatever reason I hated it. I hated going to class and I hated readings. And one day I finally realized what it was that I hated most. I hated how selfish I felt. All I have ever wanted to be in, is a position to selflessly help others, to equip others with the knowledge that they are valued and loved. And for me, university puts me in a class room so that I can learn and gain knowledge for myself. But in that moment of not feeling good enough because I wasn't doing anything at all, I realized I had become the very person I sought so desperately to help. 

The powerful thing about control is in power itself. Control makes us feel like we have power and in a society crippled by an undying desire for acceptance and acknowledgement, the need for control builds upon the loose foundation upon which the lies of power lay. We live in a world riddled with the understanding and misled belief that success is a universal construction formed by the hands of men with little consideration that worldly success means little in the eyes of eternity. So, while my situation was out of my control, and I no longer felt good enough for the things of this world, I uttered a constant reminder to myself that although I would never be good enough, I was worth dying for and for that, God is more than enough. What is it going to take to not just remember the hope of God's promise but hold into it every moment of everyday? I don't have the answers to that. I am assured I will fail not just daily, but hourly. And while the tsunami of doubt will continue to flood my very being I rest assured, in the moments where the water is stilled, there is He who has stilled the storm. And while storms will soon rage again, still He remains.

-m.o

In my distress I called to the Lord;

I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

my cry came before him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,

and the foundations of the mountains shook;

they trembled because he was angry.

Smoke rose from his nostrils;

consuming fire came from his mouth,

burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;

dark clouds were under his feet.

He mounted the cherubim and flew;

he soared on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him-

the dark rain clouds of the sky.

Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,

with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

The Lord thundered from heaven;

the voice of the Most High resounded.

He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,

with great bolts of lightning he routed them.

The valleys of the sea were exposed

and the foundations of the earth laid bare 

at your rebuke, Lord,

at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster,

but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place;

he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:6-19